Megadriver – Metalvania (2017)

by Robert de Sandford on April 13, 2018

Few things in life are more masculine than Castlevania.  In fact, the New York Times bestselling book The Alphabet of Manliness includes on its short list of “definitive winners in history” the likes of Castlevania 1-4 and Symphony of the Night.  Castlevania is also the most metal non-metal piece of Western creativity outside of Lord of the Rings.  I mean shit, you’re out crusading and fucking up demons and monsters on behalf of the church, shoving crucifixes up asses and drowning degeneracy in holy water.   It’s exactly the kind of shit that true metalhead Hessians and Templars should be doing to SJW the soy metal mutants infesting the underground in incredibly large numbers (who can be open-endedly interpreted to be the grotesque villains of Castlevania lore).  DEUS VULT- butcher and savage them all!  Even those who think video games are gay (most of them are) can appreciate how based Castlevania is.
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Hipsters Discover That Black Metal Musicians Are Bad

by Brock Dorsey on April 5, 2018

Another scandal!  Yes folks, for the fourth time in the past two or three weeks, hipster journalists and fake metal fans are shocked and appalled that a black metal musician has done something immoral.  Despite black metal being a music genre for 30 years, smelly neckbeard losers and dreadlocked trust fund crusties are figuratively (though literally in some cases) throwing their own feces every time they catch a mid-tier black metal musician doing something not socially acceptable.  This time, the horrific act came from Marduk, whose purchasing of German World War II merchandise from a sketchy online retailer made them too evil for a fest called Stockholm Slaughter (who apparently think slaughter is cool, but just not when it pertains to 1940s Europe).

Because millennials are too dumb to learn any history that doesn’t involve student loans, let’s quickly look back and see if any criminal or immoral things were done by the original black metal bands.  Maybe there’s something that we can learn from  that fateful 1990s Norwegian scene:

Band                   Criminal/Immoral Act

Burzum                Murder, violating parole with a shitload of explosives, arson, Nazism, white supremacy

Dimmu Borgir    Using the N word in an interview/proclaiming the desire to genocide Africans

Emperor              Hate crime murder of a homosexual, arson

Gorgoroth           Rape, battery and torture, violation of Poland’s animal rights laws, homosexuality

Immortal             Arson

Mayhem              Murder, 2nd degree murder, arson, public mutilation, trashing hotels

Satyricon            Rape, arson, rape

Thorns                2nd degree murder

I’m sorry to break this to everyone living in a liberal bubble, but a painfully obvious truth exists:  black metal musicians are bad men.

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DMU STAFF ANTI-DOXXING POLICY

by Brock Dorsey on March 11, 2018

Death Metal Underground has formalized a policy that it WILL NOT doxx any former writer, editor, user, or frequent commentor.  So to those former editors and former writers that continue to hysterically spam the comments section in bitterness of our current staff’s superiority without realizing you’ve used your actual/writer names from the same IP address, don’t worry- I won’t doxx you, even if I may have threatened in classic Brock-mind-game fashion.  While you are correct to assume hot-blooded Brock Dorsey is the most sadistic writer/editor in the entirety of music journalism and will go further than any other, I can assure you that I do in fact bare the loyalty of the Templar. In all and complete seriousness, I dearly respect each and every writer that has contributed to Death Metal Underground over its nearly 3 decade reign, and especially hold admiration for the editors that had the strength to survive more than 6 months as creating daily engaging content for a metal site is quite the challenging task.  You all are welcomed and encouraged to return, but I can’t promise you won’t receive IP bans if your menstruation levels are inexcusably excessive as they have been lately due to the Templar mercilessly trampled over your reissue-marathon coverage and your boring beta-male occult philosophical outlook.  I also am infinitely grateful for our frequent readers and especially those who consistently engage in our nihilistic killing fields of a comments section, even if we have opposing points of view and particularly when feedback is thoughtfully challenging of the narrative.
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OZZY IS RIGHT: “NON-CONFORMITY” IS CONFORMIST, METAL MUST REBEL

by Brock Dorsey on February 23, 2018

Death Metal Underground’s wise founder Brett Stevens posted a thoughtful article last weekend about the duality of exterior and interior being.  It describes how in these modern times we’re seeing an illusion of non-conformity that masks the conformity of thought and nature within.  This is an effective tactic of those in power be they media, silicon valley, deep state, or (in the case of metal) record executives and journalists:  get people to look different, but think the same.  This also masterfully articulates why metal is at its lowest creative point in the entire history of its existence: fans and musicians alike have accepted conformity of thought and sound through satisfaction with mere non-conformist aesthetics and culture.  And the only way to escape this rut is to violently rebel against everything we have been conditioned to believe is “metal” and “metal culture.”

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