Hipsters Discover That Black Metal Musicians Are Bad

by Brock Dorsey on April 5, 2018

Another scandal!  Yes folks, for the fourth time in the past two or three weeks, hipster journalists and fake metal fans are shocked and appalled that a black metal musician has done something immoral.  Despite black metal being a music genre for 30 years, smelly neckbeard losers and dreadlocked trust fund crusties are figuratively (though literally in some cases) throwing their own feces every time they catch a mid-tier black metal musician doing something not socially acceptable.  This time, the horrific act came from Marduk, whose purchasing of German World War II merchandise from a sketchy online retailer made them too evil for a fest called Stockholm Slaughter (who apparently think slaughter is cool, but just not when it pertains to 1940s Europe).

Because millennials are too dumb to learn any history that doesn’t involve student loans, let’s quickly look back and see if any criminal or immoral things were done by the original black metal bands.  Maybe there’s something that we can learn from  that fateful 1990s Norwegian scene:

Band                   Criminal/Immoral Act

Burzum                Murder, violating parole with a shitload of explosives, arson, Nazism, white supremacy

Dimmu Borgir    Using the N word in an interview/proclaiming the desire to genocide Africans

Emperor              Hate crime murder of a homosexual, arson

Gorgoroth           Rape, battery and torture, violation of Poland’s animal rights laws, homosexuality

Immortal             Arson

Mayhem              Murder, 2nd degree murder, arson, public mutilation, trashing hotels

Satyricon            Rape, arson, rape

Thorns                2nd degree murder

I’m sorry to break this to everyone living in a liberal bubble, but a painfully obvious truth exists:  black metal musicians are bad men.

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WAT? Testament Guitarist Denounces Israel

by Brock Dorsey on April 2, 2018

Alex Skolnick, the guitarist of mediocre thrash metallers Testament, has for some reason decided to go out of his way to go on anti-Israel tangent for no reason.  After the band preformed there last week, a few of the members posted photos of the band posing with the Israeli flag and a number of roasties from the Israeli army.  But on Skolnick’s post, his photo is preceded by a ridiculous rant on how he wants to preemptively explain that he thinks the state of Israel and its president are horrible and that he’s ashamed of the soldiers and the flag (except for the fact that the flag has the star of David).  He then goes on to state that he is Jewish blooded but thinks Judaism is bullshit and apologizes for Israel being mean to the Palestinian terrorists that tried to invade/destroy Israel and still continue to commit acts of terrorism now that all their friends bailed on them.  Hilariously even the fake-news-fake- Jews of MetalSucks praised Skolnick for denouncing the homeland of their people as social justice warriors and progressive liberals notoriously disallow Jewish symbols to be displayed while they protest Trump/men/etc and march in favor of sodomy and degeneracy.  This event again goes to show, as many have in the past, that social justice warriors don’t really care about Jews when they oppose antisemitism as they only feign outrage to project a moral high ground that benefits their cause.

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Roman Salutes Are Too Evil For Watain

by Brock Dorsey on March 28, 2018

At the end of last year, we predicted that overt satanic lyrics and themes in metal would see their last days. There is no band that will accelerate this quicker than goofball circus act Watain, who market themselves as the evilest band in the world by LARPing as an American biker gang and staying in character through all media interactions. By doing so, they can act like they’re more “trve” than Dimmu Borgir and Dark Funeral despite being even more campy than both in their music and aesthetics.

But in the most cowardly of moves, the band kicked out the only credible member- former Dissection guitarist Set Teitan- because a picture of him doing a Nazi salute surfaced on the internet.  Though the band hides behind the lame excuse that “he left so we wouldn’t have to talk about politics,” it’s clear that the move was desperation on the part of Watain as they struggle to preserve their cash grab machine.  But regardless of whether lefties decide to shutdown Watain’s freak show carnival tour, the band will never survive this incident as the few supporters they had will likely realize that Watain are as timid as they come.

Make no mistake, I’m not at all defending what Set Teitan did, as all Hitler/Nazi LARPing is a corny stunt pulled by fat redneck rejects so they can feel extreme from their mom’s shed.  Instead, I’m celebrating as the Watain scam will finally lose all traction and the band will soon be homeless and broken in the streets.  Though they thought themselves to be instruments of the devil, they ultimately did a better job serving God by destroying the satanic metal scene from within.

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PISS ON TERRORIZER MAGAZINE’S GRAVE!

by Brock Dorsey on March 15, 2018

It has become apparent that the mentally ill mutant publisher of the failed Terrorizer Magazine pulled a classic Blake Judd-style heist on everyone stupid enough to subscribe to it in 2017.  Back in September, Terrorizer published a post on Facebooktarget=”_blank” rel=”nofollow external” indicating that “they’re having publishing problems” and promised to send everyone’s missing magazines that week.  In reality, subscribers were lucky if they got 1/4 of the year’s magazines delivered as most never received at least 3 of the issues and even got shafted on digital copies (!!!).  Absolutely no one has received the December issue (it was never published), yet everyone has been billed for the full year both last year AND THIS YEAR even though the last magazine was published in November!  I was just as shocked to hear about this as you were: I couldn’t believe people actually paid money to read Terrorizer last year!

So as of yesterday the lefty metal media has finally been reporting on the embarrassing death of Terrorizer Magazine, but so far they are taking a sympathetic tone.  But why is this, after the harshness they displayed on Blakey Judd for ripping off his fans in the exact same fashion?  The answer has been thus far carefully concealed by the liberal metal media outlets reporting on this:  Terrorizer’s publisher is trans.target=”_blank” rel=”nofollow external”
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BASED DESTROYER 666 BTFOS SOYBOY CALI VENUE

by Brock Dorsey on March 12, 2018

Watain and Destroyer 666 have moved their 3/16 show in California to a new venue after the cucked owner of the soy-filled DNA Lounge publicly menstruatedtarget=”_blank” rel=”nofollow external” over mean words said by Destroyer frontman K.K. Warslut last year.  After trying to kick the band off the bill, the tour’s promoter promptly fucked over the venue by moving the show to Social Hall on 1270 Sutter Street on just a few days’ notice.  Warslut proceeded to verbally emasculate the DNA lounge owners via the band’s Facebook page:target=”_blank” rel=”nofollow external”
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/smr/ SADISTIC METAL REVIEWS: THE LEFT CAN’T METAL EDITION

by Nicholas Vahdias on March 5, 2018

Failed journalist and domestic terrorist Kim Kelly is rumored to have been the one who organized the venue boycotts of the Taake tour.  As many are unfortunately aware, she is the bunk face of the progressive leftist metal movement but clearly does not understand the music enough for anyone to take her seriously. Let’s ignore her N.S.B.M./racist praising past, flavor of the week ideology, and grotesque physical defects and spend some time with the terrible music she is promoting to determine it has anything to do with what metal actually is.

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The Problem With Metal Isn’t Just The Taake Poop Swastika Incident

by Cory Van der Pol on March 2, 2018

Back in the day, Taake was the black metal band you settled for because all the old bands were no longer recording great stuff and your only other option was bedroom black metal. They were not bad, but had more in common with the melodic heavy metal hybrids that combined death metal with power metal riffing and pretty melodies. That makes it weird in a time where Taake is one of the better options out there.

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/dmg/ DEATH METAL GENERAL: LIBERAL CANCER EDITION

by Brock Dorsey on February 27, 2018

In just one week, the nauseating disease that is liberalsim has managed to shutdown the tour of a black metal/shock rocker and breakup a black metal/crust band.  While this is to be applauded in this instance as crusty black metal is paradoxal and live black metal is outright cringeworthy, it is atrocious that there are so many happenings of metal being bent over and embarrassed by an ideology as frail and useless as liberalism.  But contrary to the voices of life dropouts, the solution won’t be found in neckbeard occultism, Paganism, or other extensions of fatalism.  This disease may only be obliterated by THE TEMPLAR and their mercilessness opposition!  This means unapologitic masculinity, the re-institution of theocratic imperial order, the abolishment of atheism and materialsim, the cruel shaming of sodomites, and the complete annihilation of individualism and its atrocities.  The only true freedom is in complete submission to the LORD, who unleashed these plagues on a Western world that turned away from his divine order in 1789, closed their ears to his commands in the 60s, and completely fled his divine law in the last decade.  If you don’t soon take up the cross you’ll see your precious metal scene completely overrun by masculine women, post-emo beta-males, and neo-commies who will erase your metal heroes and replace them with emasculated champions of diversity!  DEUS VULT OR DIE
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PCU‘s Dark Forecast

by Brock Dorsey on January 12, 2018

A few times every decade, a work of literature or film comes along that astonishingly predicts the future with unbelievable accuracy.  Back in 1994, we were given a dead-on glimpse of the social climate that we’re currently living in across modern western civilization through a seemingly harmless silly, good times college comedy, as it advertised itself to be. But instead, PCU showed us the world we would be inhabiting twenty years later.

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