Emperor: Metal for Mordor

The music of Emperor is commonly misconceived by the mainstream metal media and certain YouTube clowns to be merely an atmospheric wall of sound or symphonic black metal orchestration engineered for superficial, surface level aesthetic appeal to an audience atypical for black metal. This is in fact not the case. In the Nightside Eclipse is just as perplexing to typical headbangers on first encounter as it was upon release in 1994. Mainstream audiences are even more flabbergasted and regard the record as a mere curiosity produced by those murderous church burners, preferring Emperor’s more rock-structured later work such as Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk, which abandoned the band’s signature riffing style and method in exchange for ones influenced by more stereotypical Norwegian B-listers such as Enslaved and Kvist. Emperor did eventually sell out, becoming technical guitar wank, rock-structured heavy metal after their rhythm guitarist Samoth and drummer Faust were imprisoned in 1994 and their songwriting influence subsequently waned. Yet In the Nightside Eclipse‘s hymns to Satan and Sauron remain as natural mutations of their metallic predecessors’ attempts to imitate horror scores and classical music’s overwhelming power of sublimity.

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First Bands Announced for Fall of Summer 2017

The first batch of bands for the Fall of Summer 2017 festival in France were announced in an overenthusiastic press release for a decent but not great lineup. Blasphemy, Demolition Hammer, and Bulldozer are playing along with a bunch of dumb hipster bullshitters and stoner doom idiots. Check it out if you’re nearby and want to deal with a bunch of drunken beer metallers.

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Molested – Blod-draum Reissue Pre-orders Up

Dark Symphonies announced that they are reissuing Norwegian death metal band Molested‘s only full studio album Blod-draum later this month from the original tapes. Along with the new master from the original analog tapes (not the original CD just compressed for losers with Iphones), a new remix from the multitrack studio tapes will be included on the disc. The CD is available for preordering from Dark Symphonies right now.

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Marijuana

Some time ago, metalheads at a concert lit up a dingy joint, covered with pocket lint and packed full of brick weed, the uncured Cannabis Sativa grown wild in large Mexican fields and then compressed in trash compactors, crushing the seeds and stems and infusing the psychoactive flowers with oils and plant sugars.

There is only one way to smoke weed:

  1. Get a good night’s sleep.
  2. Wake up and down 15 ounces of water.
  3. Make strong coffee and have two cups.
  4. Take a shotglass of strong alcohol or have a glass of wine or large beer.
  5. Carefully extract and shred a fine Cannabis Indica or Sativa hybrid (60-40 or more).
  6. Mix in 15% of a strong but non smoke cured tobacco.
  7. Place in a bong that has large capacity but allows a fast shotgun.
  8. Take three of these rips within ten minutes.

At this point, the psychedelic potential of the weed becomes most powerful. Synergistic effects with Nicotine, Caffeine and alcohol aid this process.

Repeat as necessary at two-hour intervals.

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Homebrewing FAQ

A cultured human being should pursue a good hobby. It’s somewhat more interesting if said hobby involves a mild vice or foible. The hobby should also develop skill and produce a satisfactory end product. It should make the person somewhat unique amongst a group of peers and allow them to develop camaraderie with their fellow hobbyists. It becomes a Schelling Point so to speak.

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Sadistic Metal Reviews 12-06-16

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Congratulations! Your society continues to squeeze out lumpy, furry, greasy and fragrant turds into the fresh bedding. Your government is corrupt; almost everyone in business and society is a robotic zombie; your mass culture is garbage and your jobs, jails. People are miserable inside but refuse to acknowledge it for fear of seeming weak.

On top of all of that, your future is grim as you slip further into third-world levels of filth, disorder, promiscuity, corruption, disorganization, perversity, crime and rotted infrastructure. How’s that whole modern society thing — consumerism, democracy, mass media — working out for you?

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Sadistic Metal Reviews 11-27-2016

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Thanksgiving is a merry time of the year but the bender has to end with more Sadistic Metal Reviews!

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