These bands attempt to masquerade their GarageBand music fit only for arcades, pizza parlors, and high school dances as underground metal. They fail.

Sturmtiger – World at War 1914-1918 (2014)
Sturmin’ Newman does not deliver the mail to Jerry Seinfeld on Fridays. Sturmin’ Nurman sturms durr beaches of Nurmandy after he meets his govurrnurrment quota and plays standurrd speed metal meets crossover thrash in the style of Blasphemy but urrbsessed with World War I like Motorhead – 1916 if that recurd was a shitty durr metal album. Durr Germans lost almost a hundurrred years ago. Durr with it. Durr Kaiser had a gimp arm. Durr Wurld at Durr 1914-1918 is certainly adequate for Sturmin’ Nurman to shill to the Nucular Durr Now! forum studio apartment dwellurrss with Ross Bay Cult cutoff sweatshirts and Conqueror durr hard vinyl boxsets featuring Durr Cult Supremacy rough mixes though. All Sturman’ Nurman need to do is pay some hipster PR agency and let Kim Kelly give them lobster handjobs. Kim Kelly has always harburred fantasies for a sport-shaded, bald, tattooed version of Wayne Knight; not Batman but Newman and his dinosaur embryos.

Tenebrae in Perpetuum – La Genesi: 2001-2002 (2017)
Demos of standard lucky charms indie rock black metal Darkthrone worship where sometimes riffs lead somewhere and other times the songs are boring and insipid indie rock atmospheric “black metal” except for some guitar candy. Nevertheless this is worth a listen for Darkthrone worship completionists, autists, and compulsive collectors. Tenebrae in Perpetuum certainly have some potential but do not fully realize it here, making bog standard basement black metal that’s unexceptional in every way.

Anasarca – Survival Mode Demo 2015 (2015)
Holy shit this is actually death metal! We received a promo of real death metal. ERRRMAHGAWD! Anasarca could eliminate the rasp choruses but they connect a bunch of generic riffs together that actually sort of fit. They really need to eliminate the verse-chorus-verse almost metalcore vocal approach and come up with some more memorable riffs. Survival Mode is your typical late 90s woulda, coulda, shoulda death metal band that couldn’t make it as they weren’t good enough to compete with the best from earlier in the decade. This demo appears to attempt to pander to much to the “modern metal” / deathcore demographic but Anasarca certainly has potential if they refined their songs and wrote better riffs strong enough to write an entire song around.

Scalpture – Panzerdoktrin (2016)
Scalpture are Germen attempting to worship Bolt Thrower but most of the time sound like Benediction including a vocalist ripping off Dave Ingram‘s vocal styles. They don’t have those occasional snippets of cleverness that Benediction do admidst all their idiocy. If Benediction is your neighbors annoyingly yappy but occasionally cute small dog, then Scalpture are the rats living in his slovenly crawl space.

Murkocet – Digging Mercy’s Grave (2017)
Annoying Gothenburg metalcore. Kill yourself. All riffs were stolen from Metallica, Pantera, Dissection, and Slaughter of the Soul but made way more repetitive and poorly used. Kill your band before you kill yourself. Murder suicide would be a good plan.

Dischordia – Thanatopsis (2016)
Gorguts influenced deathcore pretending to be death metal. Nope Dischordia, you do not construct riff mazes like Morbid Angel, Deicide, and Demilich; you play random fucking post-hardcore influenced deathcore. You’re closer to Converge than Cause of Death. Fuck off.

Archaeos – Forgotten Art of Sacrifice (2017)

Rotting Christ and Varathron turned into hipster sing-along black ‘n’ roll. Nothing is sacred from idiots. Everything will be pressed in at least a hundred copies by some other idiot. The Funderground circlejerk needs to die. This band isn’t godawful though and if they wrote their own, new material, they could go somewhere but this Focusrite recorded jam session should have never been released.

Hostage of Fate – It Takes Life (2016)
Post-hardcore pussified powerviolence attempting to be death metal and grindcore and failing miserably. Still better than the Gothenburg-style metalcore we continue to receive in the mail. That’s not saying anything though. F FOR FAILURE!

Herem – III (2016)
Boring stoner doom trying to be evil like old Cathedral but instead these riffs could be a Sheryl Crow song whining about an ex-boyfriend. Mix ammonia and bleach in your mom’s powder room toilet and lock the door while you die taking a shit.

Pessimist – Call To War (2016)

Metallica ripoff rethrash. Stick to your mom’s garage as your chances for future success are pessimistic Pessimist.

Violblast- Conflict Full (2016)
More generic speed metal rehashing. Lame Kreator worship this time. Really just kill yourselves guys and stop making music. It’s simple and the world will be a better place without your continued existence.

Aversions Crown – Ophiophagy (2017)
Lucky Charms deathcore. Zero.

Snogg – Qivitoq (2016)
Lame atmospheric noise rock pretending to be black metal. You do not play black metal Snogg, you play warmed over hipster lite rock for queer bar patrons with septum rings in Brooklyn and partially shaved heads.

SpiteFuel – Sleeping With Wolves (2016)
Glam rock for lot lizards wishing they didn’t snort all of that coke back in the 80s.

Diablerie – The Catalyst vol. 1: Control (2017)
Metalcore with techno breakdowns and symphonic samples. F.

Witchery – In His Infernal Majesty’s Service (2016)
Singlaong black ‘n’ roll metalcore for people who pick their nose and shove the boogers up their butt using their fingers, not even for the mouth-breathers that eat them. Those degenerates are above Witchery.

Moontower – Darkness… Glory to Hatred (2017)
Lame war metal with vocals from special education class. Songs go nowhere. Is that a cowbell? Why do you have a fucking cowbell Moontower? Is this supposed to song like Swansong? Fuck off.

Agonia – O Adormecer Aterno (2015)
Incredibly boring blackened funeral doom for idiots and drug addicts.

Agonia – O Desvanecer (2015)
More of the same from Agonia. This is for losers to cry into their pillows at night as their girlfriend dumped them for giving her genital herpes.

Chalice of Suffering – For You I Die (2016)
Hipster doom deathcore with fucking bagpipes for fat carnies in kilts.

Duch Czerni – Reality of Black Spirits (2016)
Slit your wrists whine rock for scenester pussies mad that 23 year old goth girl with the slight gut and belly ring won’t make out with them like she did Martin van Drunken.

Lux Ferre – Excaecatio Lux Veritatis (2015)
Riffless, atonal Deathspell Omegle “metal” (actually post-hardcore math rock) for people who announce their engagements on Facebook and wear suspenders with cargo shorts.

Vultur – Vulture’s Beak (2015)
Vultur try to play death metal but are stuck in a speed metal, rock-out with their cocks out mindset. Zip up your flies boys and listen to Deicide and Legion some more boys instead of Bolt Thrower‘s Mercenary.

Wolfshowl – The Purity of Mother Nature (2016)

Agalloch sing along black ‘n’ roll bullshit. These motherfuckers make me want to start a forest fire and immolate them along with all the wildlife they have sex with in the woods. Poor bunny rabbits getting assfucked by metalcore bros in leather trench coats.

Tags: agonia, anasarca, aversions crown, chalice of suffering, diablerie, dischordia, duch czerni, durr metal, herem, hostage of fate, lux ferre, moontower, murkocet, pessimist, sadistic metal reviews, scalpture, snogg, spitefuel, sturmtiger, tenebrae in perpetuum, violblast, vultur, witchery, wolfshowl