Here is a list of common terms, as used in trendy metal reviews on indie-rockpost-2000 “metal” sites, and their actual meanings as the album reviewer will cynically tell his friends but not you the reader, because your job is to buy the product. You can use this to decode mainstream and “true underground” reviews alike, since the “true underground” got captured by indie rockers and so is about as underground as Stephanie Meyer at this point. Note that if confronted, music reviewers will deny use of these terms, but if you go through your average metal magazine and highlight how many times these appear, you will see how scattering these terms through music reviews allows your average underpaid reviewer to write enough about the latest crap from the labels to make it seem important.

Innovative = new arrangement of cliches
Melodic = plays on the higher strings
Brutal = incoherent
Gauzy = low-fi style distortion
Self-indulgent = self-pitying
Unique = crap but the label likes it
Sublime = really obvious
Emotional = target audience is losers
Straightforward = repetitive
Evocative = catchy
Dynamic = random changes
Soulful = repetitive and catchy
Heart-wrenching = emo
Sui Generis = new arrangement of other genres
Je ne sais quoi = so bad I have nothing left to write
Faithful = derivative
Chops = masturbatory
Epic = either (a) dramatic or (b) Manowar
Bombastic = obvious
Progressive = knows open chords
Enormous = big dumb riff
Dazzle = deceive
Atmospheric = slow drums
Authenticity = popularity