COVID-19 — the bizarre virus from Wuhan, China that is part HIV, part bat flu, and part pure demonic evil — only attacks when we are having a good time, scientists have revealed. This necessitates the closing of all bars, pubs, restaurants, concert venues, and record stores, but not tax offices, tire shops, or proctologists.

“The dopamine pathway activated by pleasure depresses interferon as paranoia recedes, giving the virus its chance to sweep in like a hellbound vampire and sap the life from its victims,” said renowned national medical authority I.P. Daily. “This means that if people have fun, they are going to die.”

Various theories surrounding the virus have made their way through social media, and we want you to know that you are a Russophiliac homophobic racist hipster if you endorse any of these, but one concerns humanity simply giving up in the face of a boring, hopeless, joyless, increasingly pointless modern existence.

Daily waves this aside. “Life is better than ever before. Fewer people are in poverty, we have conquered bad breath, and the future is bright for our vibrant, diverse, pluralistic, tolerant, and most of all, profitable, consumer economy. Where else are you going to get such abundant deals on shower curtains?”

In the meantime, authorities suggest that everyone stay home eating vegan gruel and watching nothing but Netflix while shopping on Amazon by using the Google search engine on Apple computers, since our economy needs constant “Keynesian consumerism” in order to keep from imploding into a vortex of self-consuming darkness.

Tags: alcoholism, covid-19, death metal, proctology, satire